Digital Worries

Sorry about the lack of recent updates... I arrived in Hong Kong a few days ago and have been a little buy busy...

I wrote about my finger earlier... Well here's an update on that.
As soon as I landed in HK, my parents saw my finger and took me to the hospital (which is conveniently located next door). The doctor was disgusted, and after putting my finger under loads of anasthetic, he ripped the nail off and let the pus drain out.
As you can see, it's all bandaged up, and it doesn't hurt at all.

More on relationships

In our wellbeing period, which was today, we had a seminar on relationships. Basically, it looked at the elements of a good relationship with others and yourself, and the difference between platonic and deeper relationships.
I found this whole thing rather interesting, because it gave me a different perspective on relationships.
I believe that I am not complete without a partner, whereas the seminar told us that you have to be complete before entering the relationship.
Now I'm very tired, my pinky is still killing me, and I'm writing this on my iPod, so I won't go into detail right now. I promise I will layer if you want...

My school

I love my school.
I go to one of the only private boy schools in Sydney which lets me do what I want. I don't have to fit the typical mold of sport jock to be noticed. At this school, the arts are noticed just as much as sport.
I love drama, and at other schools I couldn't do drama to the extent I do here.
Another awesome thing about this school is that it offers so much support for every student. We are split up into small groups depending on house and year, and we spend time with our tutor every day. Also, once every two week cycle, we have a period dedicated to our wellbeing. I love this school.

My finger

I figured out what's wrong with my pinky finger. I warn you, this isn't pretty...

This finger has had a huge wart on it for as long as I can remember. Recently, the wart has spread to surround the nail entirely, which in itself is not a pretty sight.

I bite my nails, pretty badly as well. Sometimes when I bite, not all of it comes off and some of the nail gets trapped down the side. Occasionally this cuts the skin, and occasionally that cut gets infected, and oozes pus.

Now join the two together. A cut in the side of my nail has gotten infected, but due to the fungal growth (wart) it didn't ooze out, it oozed under the nail, building up, and it's the pressure which is killing me.

I try creating a hole on my nail with a thumbtack, but that failed miserably. Last night the pain was so great, I couldn't sleep, so I'm scared about tonight. I'll let you know how I go.

some minor advice, its all about you

i think its time for some poems, we havent had one for a while...

these ones are motivational, i like to think they're fairly inspiring...

its all about you

live your own life,
it isnt anyone elses,
life is art,
you are an artist,

dont be afraid
of who you are,
be afraid,
of who you aren’t

dont be lonely,
you always have yourself,
salute, stop, think,
you are amazing

love everyone,
especially yourself,
the world is amazing,
you are amazing,

some minor advice

its your life,
live it how you like,
make your own decisions,
your own choices

dont judge,
but especially,
never let yourself
be judged...

stand up to yourself,
your instincts,
your voice
and your desire...

don’t give in,
but take some time to listen.

holy shit

i am absolutely screwed

i have a drama performance tommorow, and my group is so underprepared its stupid

every single lesson at least two people have been away, and our performance is less than halfway through rehearsed

in other words

we are absolutely fucked

Thankyou

Thankyou to everyone who has commented on my blog over the few months ive been running it
im just going to take some time out to reply to a few of those comments

to Krutika
Thankyou for your suggestion, as you can see, I did just that

to Eleanore
Thankyou for your compliment, im sure you arent THAT bad... im not that good either

to JoshuaHeizer
Thankyou for your beautiful poetry, i love your imagery

to Fitch
Thankyou for your comment.
I totally agree with everything you are saying, unfortunately, I wrote that post on my iPod Touch, so it wasn't too easy for me to effectively say what i meant.
What you were saying is actually the point i wanted to make. I guess that shows me that I need to review my posts a bit more instead of just posting them spontaneously

to Everyone who is reading my blog, Future, Present or Past
Thankyou for stumbling upon my little corner of the net. Thankyou for reading. Please, Comment.

Decisions, Decisions

As I've said before, I'm the type of guy who needs to be in a relationship. Having someone there for me is incredibly important to my stability.
Over the past couple of months, I've 'liked' a number of people, and have been just about to ask them put when they start acting really really cold towards me because they discover my intentions. I'm sure this isn't totally their fault but it's had a pretty severe impact on my esteem.

I 'like' someone at the moment, but I'm hesitant to do anything about. Firstly, it could ruin our friendship, we ate very good friends at the moment. Secondly, I was talking to a friend of mine about relationships, and it is his view that people our age aren't mature enough for a stable relationship. While I don't necessarily agree, I can see where he is coming from. Most teenagers (I've noticed girls in particular, although boys are still in there) aren't ready to handle a full relationship.
This makes me hesitant, because I want a stable relationship, more than anything else. More than the iPhone 3G, and I want that a hell of a lot.
I'm also going to wait, because I'm about to leave for Hong Kong (where I live) and I've learnt from experience not to ask someone out and then go away for weeks. It ruins what could be a great relationship.

that was that

wow,
more hate than love,
i hope you dont take that as meaning that i hate more than i love,
i like to think im a very loving person,
but i could be wrong,
i could be
ill try and make an even longer happy one, or just more of them

my pinky is absolutely killing me
it FUCKING HURTS!!!!
ARRGGGGGHHH!!

so...
as i sit here holding in my scream of pain,
let me know ur thoughts...
please
it cheers me up
i love getting the email saying "so and so has written a comment"
i get a warm fuzzy feeling somewhere around me heart

i hate

I hate exams
I hate being asked to answer stupid questions with stupid answers
I hate missing out on boarding duties
I hate being punished for something out of my control
I hate immature people
I hate people who do things without realising the damage they cause
I hate never knowing exactly whats going on
I hate being rejected
I hate being rejected
I hate being rejected
I hate being rejected so many times
I hate seeing something blow up in your face
I hate having no control
I hate myself sometime
I hate what I have done
I hate friendships that dont last
I hate being responsible for things I dont want
I hate it
I really do

There

That was my happy outburst for the day. It's good being in a good mood, everything seems good. Just wait until I'm in a bad mood, I'll be writing a more negative post like that. An 'i hate' or 'i miss' or something. I think that's a good idea, more of those style.

i love

I love weekends.
I love being able to do what ever you wanna do.
I love waking up at 9:00am for Bacon and Eggs.
I love not getting changed out of pyjamas all day.
I love playing video games for hours on end.
I love telling my parents that I've been studying.
I love talking to my friends.
I love having the best friends possible (you know who you are)
I love feeling sorry for myself, then realizing I have no need to.
I love feeling happy for others.
I love it.
I really do.

last resort

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last resort

incase you hadnt noticed, i wrote this poem about death, our 'last resort'

new theme

i decided to refresh my theme, i think this one reflects the style of the blog nicely

i may be wrong, you may hate it, or hopefully, you love it,

drop me a line and let me know

back on track

for the past year i have felt overwhelmed, in over my head, out of it

ever since my parents moved to hong kong, and i had a fairly messy breakup (although we're great friends now, happy birthday!) i've felt like im not managing my life well. i got bad reports, i felt kinda empty, and i had quite a few major fights with my best friends

well today i can say that i feel different. i dont know why, but i really feel that that whole time in my life is over for now, and i can start fresh

so im feeling good, im finally there, i made it!

train of thought

this poem of mine is one of my favourites. its quite long, and i've edited it from the original... (b

the darkness surrounds,
fighting back, the light,
blocking out everything,
all sounds, all thoughts.

how many times,
has it failed?
you haven't pulled through,
its always too hard.

people shouting
people talking
people singing
people not listening.

its funny, conversation
two people, talking
no people, listening,
two points of view.

conflict lives everywhere,
every eye, every mouth,
everyone who thinks,
it makes life interesting

resolution is rare,
you don't find it often,
true apologies don't exist
being wrong is right

to err is human
its in our blood
to forgive is impossible,
remembering the blood

its all behind us,
not listening
not thinking
not caring

im not sorry,
no one ever is,
laughing at yourself,
the hardest thing...

every action,
has an equal and opposite reaction,
acting is natural,
reacting is nature

everything we know,
this world, this mind
is fake
nothing is real

put it all on,
fake the facade
no one will know
no one will care

writing things down,
seeing the brilliance
in the human condition
is the way to live

the unexamined life,
is not worth living
examine every detail,
live every detail

the darkness surrounds,
it evolves, adapts,
like a train,
a train of thought...

school paper

our school paper is completely run by students, which is pretty impressive i think.

anyway, i was appointed the position of graphics designer for next year (starting next term) so I'm really busy putting together a layout in photoshop for it.

my current theme looks totally different to anything before it, which is exactly what i was going for.

wow, this headache is really bad, im probably going to go lie in bed for a while when i get back to the boarding house...

arggghhhh...

all day i have felt really ill...

i didnt miss a day of school or anything, i just suffered silently.

it was one of my bestest friends birthday today, and one of my other bestest friends birthdays tommorow. you dont know how convenient it is for me, because they are both really quite easy to remember...

anyway, im sitting here with a splitting headache and the feeling im going to vomit violently over the school computer i should be doing work on. does anyone important know about my sickness except me? nope. the school nurse? nope. one of my dormmates does because i let him have my dinner tonight, because i couldnt eat it. it looked absolutely delicious funnily enough, because it was spanish theme night tonight, so the kitchen puts heaps of effort into making it good. i didnt have any though...

so im going to sit here for a while and grin and bear my pain, knowing that there are so many people who are in greater pain than i.

long time no blog

well not really that long a time, but it feels like ages.

my school network logged me out of wordpress and i wasn't able to blog, and then i went up to my grandparents house who are sans internet. so I havent really had a chance to blog recently

so anyway, im back, and im in an incredibly good mood, because i confidently completed my yearly maths exam this morning and i got spore this afternoon!!

best day ever!!! yeeeeew!

anyway, im very excited, and addicted already

if you want to read anything in particular, more poetry, more philosophical stuff, just let me know

im more than happy to oblige

Poetry, the language of the sou

I love poetry. I think you may have noticed that with the amount I've published recently.

I believe poetry is a reflection of the soul. It shows the state of your inner being and reflects what you are feeling. For example, forbidden fruit was written after I tasted metaphorical forbidden fruit and gained a relationship from it. The relationship didn't last, but at the time I felt terrible but also a bit happy.

So please, read my poetry and give me feedback. I really want to hear it.

one last poem - forbidden fruit

he knows he shouldn’t
but he cant resist,
the forbidden fruit,
it looks, it tastes, it feels...

so good...

he sees that its been picked,
but he just desires it more,
he deserves it,
no one else, its just...

too good...

can it be? it is,
the fruit has been dropped,
he picks it up, gently,
its bruised and scarred, but...

still good...

the thunder cracks,
the lightning strikes,
the sky shakes,
but he is safe, everything

is good...

two poems

here are two poems that i wrote for school

start.day.end

open. close. open. start suddenly.
blinding brilliantly bright lights
nothing is familiar to you
for that split second.
that split second of unknown.

whirr. click. familiar.
your preparation commences
going through the daily routine
you are so used to it.
so used to it every day of the week.

ring. ring. chaos.
a sea of unknown familiar faces
a stream of figures flowing in all directions
fight it, swim against the current.
swim against the rest of the world.

wait. flag. alight.
you pay your bail, breaking out
all alone, sitting among elderly souls,
you think about the familiar end.
another end which comes again.

up. in. over. down.
you are drowning in the familiar silence
nothing is everywhere
you end it for the day
close. open. close. stop slowly...

return

she waited,
longingly, hopefully,
for the return,
the inevitable

he promised
faithfully, dutifully,
he would return
the deception

she believed
foolishly, lovingly,
in his return
the fantasy

he fought
valiantly, bravely,
so he could return
the endeavor

she accepted
begrudgingly, sadly
he wouldn’t return
the resignation

he returned
amazingly, surprisingly
he had returned!
the miracle

she ignored
blindly, painfully
his return
the betrayal

he waited
longingly, hopefully,
for her return,
the end

blogging on a blog

im probably boring you all...

this place has become pretty depressing to read, all about deep and meaningful stuff that may be deep, but im guessing its meaningless to all of you

im going to try and do some cooler stuff

if any of you have any ideas, let me know

love, what the world needs now

i just wrote a whole thing on trust, so i've decided to write more on aspects of relationships, and so i decided to tackle the big one. love. its also the most ambiguous and impossible to define, so lets give it a shot.

in the dictionary, love is described as "a deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness."

read it over a few times, otherwise the meaning behind the unnecessarily eloquent vocabulary doesnt actually appear. this is a very shallow definition of my view on love.

im not pretending to be an expert or anything, infact im quite inexperienced as a 16 year old boy. i have felt love, and i know that for a fact. how do i know it? there is no way to know it.

the other thing about this article is that im not writing this to profess my love to anyone, i dont actually love anyone romantically at the moment. i assure you, when i do, you'll know.

anyway, back to love. i think that once you've loved someone, it cant dissapear. there are two possible things that can happen, it can be transferred into friendly love, or it can be transformed into another emotion (even a negative one). my law of conservation of emotion states that emotion can not be created or destroyed, it gets transformed. :p

the world needs love, and it needs it to stay, not to be transformed into hate

trust, the human vase

as i have said before, i view relationships as one of the most important things a human being has.

the two MOST important things in a relationship are respect and trust. as Walter Anderson said, “We're never so vulnerable than when we trust someone - but paradoxically, if we cannot trust, neither can we find love or joy” Trust is so essential to a relationship, but it leaves you open for an unimagineable pain.

i was talking to a very good friend of mine, someone whose trust i have broken, and she has gone through that pain, and we were talking about trust. we try to avoid talking about what happened, for both of our sakes, i feel absolutely terrible about it still, and would do anything in the world to make it up to her. we have fixed our friendship, and i trust her more than anyone in the world (excluding family) but i dont expect her to trust me. trust, once broken, can never be fully mended, there will always be that hole there.

if you are reading this, and im sure you will, i just want you to know that im writing about this because its on my mind right now. i dont expect anything to come of it, i gave up on that a long time ago and i can safely say now that ive moved on. please dont take this the wrong way, im just saying whats on my mind, and that conversation earlier put this on my mind.

trust, like a vase is breakable, and once broken can be put back together, but will never be the same